


Aftermath (Adam Lambert Saulbert Fanfiction)

by phoebe12982



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Sauli Koskinen - Fandom
Genre: Depression, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-30
Updated: 2016-01-29
Packaged: 2018-05-17 03:56:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5853154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phoebe12982/pseuds/phoebe12982
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Aftermath of a Suicide Attempt.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this story is a bit depressing and could be triggering for some. suicide and self harm is talked about frequently.

Chapter 1

"Adam, Adam!" Sauli bursted into Adam's house. Nobody was downstairs. "Adam come on baby answer me!" he ran upstairs to Adam's bedroom. No one was in there either. Adam had his own bathroom connected to his room. Sauli tried the handle but it was locked. He yelled through to see if Adam was in there. No response. "Adam! Let me in!" No answer. Sauli backed up and busted the door open to find Adam on the floor. Blood surrounding him. His wrists were cut open and he was unconscious. "No baby please wake up please wake up!" Sauli pulled out his phone and called 911. "I need an ambulance- my boyfriend cut himself he's unconscious please help," Sauli said into the phone with tears falling all over. "Please don't leave me baby. They're gonna be here soon. Please don't leave me," Sauli pressed down on Adam's wrists to try to stop the bleeding. "Come on come back to me baby please-" Sauli heard the sirens outside. He tried all he could to pick Adam up and bring him outside. Sauli was holding Adam bridal style and the blood from Adam's wrists was getting all over Sauli's shirt but he didn't care. All he cared about was getting Adam back.

"Hey hey we could have come in to get him sir-"

"No this was faster come on just help him," Sauli said when he got outside. He fell to his knees with Adam still in his arms.

"All right sir we need to get him inside the truck here come on," the paramedics put Adam onto the bed and wheeled him inside the truck.

"He's lost a lot blood. No heart beat. We need to do CPR." The paramedics pressed down on his chest at intervals and used something to push air into his lungs. 

"Is he dead?!" Sauli screams in fear.

"Sir we need you to calm down- please just sit down," one of the paramedics sits Sauli down in a chair trying to strap him in.

"You didn't answer my question! Is he dead!" Sauli screams once again, more tears falling.

"Yes. But we're doing everything we can just stay calm."

Sauli screams and puts his head into his hands. "This is my fault!" he cries out. "This wouldn't have happened if I'd gotten there sooner or if I didn't-"

"We have a pulse!" the paramedic says just as they're arriving at the hospital. The doors to the ambulance are flung open. 

"Suicide attempt, wrists cut open, a lot of blood loss, blood type B- he needs more of it, we need to get him stitches, " the paramedics explain to the doctors as the bed is wheeled inside the hospital. 

"Is he gonna be okay?" Sauli asks.

"Yes sir he will be fine. Are you okay- there's blood all over you," one of the doctors not helping Adam asks.

"No it's not mine. It's his."

"What is your relation to the patient?"

"I'm his boyfriend."

"Ah. I see, okay."

"Well he's getting blood and stitches right now so you just sit tight."

"Can't I go with him?"

"Yeah sure," he says as he points him to where the bed wheeling Adam is.

Sauli runs and catches up to them. Adam's eyes are still closed but he was breathing. They get to a room and move Adam to the stable bed and another doctor comes in with a bag of blood. They connect it to something then inject it into his arm. Another doctor comes in with equipment to clean Adam's wrists and stitch them back up.

"When will he get to go home?" Sauli asks while rubbing the side of Adam's head.

"Well, it was a suicide attempt, right?"

"Yeah."

"Well then we're gonna need to keep him here for a psych evaluation. We just need to be sure that he's okay. Any idea why he might've done this?" the doctor asks as she stitches Adam's wrists.

"Uh um yeah," Sauli responds rubbing his forehead. "We had a fight and uh it pushed him over the edge I guess."

"There must be more going on with him. It's not your fault. Does he take any medication? Anti-depressants? If he's already depressed this could have just added to the list of his stressors."

"Uh I don't know maybe he takes anti-depressants I don't know I just I-"

"It's okay sir it's fine. Just sit in that chair and rest."

"I'm not going to sleep until I know he's okay. I'm staying awake until he opens his eyes and I can tell him I love him."

"All right. Well I'm done with these stitches so he just needs to rest. He's stable and he should stay like that. There's gonna need to be someone with him at all times so I guess for now that's you."

"Okay. I'll never leave him. Never," Sauli says, talking to the doctor, but looking straight at Adam the whole time.

The doctor leaves the room and tells Sauli to get a nurse when Adam wakes up.

"Oh I'm so sorry baby," Sauli says looking at Adam's wrists. "I never meant for this to happen," he kisses the stitches and squeezes Adam's hand with his own.

"S- Sauli?" Adam's voice sounds groggy and Sauli looks at Adam.

"Adam, you're awake."

"What happened- oh," he sees Sauli holding his hand and sees his wrists.

"I'm sorry baby," Sauli kisses Adam on the forehead.

"Please don't look at those..." Adam says pulling his arms away from Sauli so he doesn't see the cuts.

"Baby. I love you. Don't you know that?" Sauli says looking in Adam's eyes.

"Do you?" Adam responds with no emotion.

"Of course I do. Those things I said... I didn't mean it, Adam. I don't hate you... I was angry. I took it out on you... I love you. And I'm going to do anything for you to make you believe it. Please let me love you..."

Adam stays silent for a while, just looking in Sauli's eyes.

Adam finally responds, "Okay."

"Okay. Please don't do this again. I love you. I can't live without you. You died for a little bit... I couldn't bear it. Please don't leave me?"

"I won't. Can I go home?"

"Well. You have to stay here for a while. They need to do a psych evaluation. They just need to make sure you're okay." Sauli tries to smile and rubs Adam's hand with his thumb.

"I'm fine. Why can't I just go home?"

"Honey... You're not fine. Would you be here if you were fine?"

Adam sighs. 

"I have to go get a nurse. Give me a second, okay?"

Adam nods in response.

Sauli walks out of Adam's room and finds a nurse.

"Excuse me, Adam has woken up."

A lady with brown hair and green eyes turns around to Sauli's strong Finnish accent.

"I'd know that voice anywhere. Sauli Koskinen. What do you mean Adam? Adam Lambert is here?"

"Yes. He needs a nurse. How do you know who I am?"

"Because I know who Adam is. Now where's his room?"

Sauli leads her to Adam's room. Adam closed his eyes for a little but opened them when he heard their footsteps.

"Oh my. What happened Mr. Lambert?" the nurse says trying to sound calm. But she has a tear falling from her face.

"Excuse me are you okay?" Sauli asks the nurse.

"Yeah. Yes. I'm fine," she responds to Sauli. "Now, Mr. Lambert I'm Kaylee. How are you feeling? What hurts?"

"My head a little bit."

"That's normal. You lost a lot of blood."

"When can we do this psych evaluation? I want to go home."

"As soon as we can, Mr. Lambert."

"Call me Adam."

"All right. Now I'll go get someone to do the evaluation." She tries to smile at him.

"Thank you, Kaylee," Adam forces a smile.

Based on the evaluation, Adam has severe depression. But they've trusted him to go home as long as Sauli or someone is with him at all times. And he has to leave all doors open when he's in a room. Except the bathroom but he can't lock the door. They're putting him on more anti-depressants. 

"So I can go home now?" Adam asks the nurse Kaylee.

"Yes Adam. I hope not to see you back here again for something like this. I didn't tell you but I'm a fan and this makes me really sad."

"Oh. I'm so sorry. I wasn't even thinking about how much this could affect you guys. You know I love all my fans so much. I'm very sorry Kaylee," Adam hugs her.

"It's okay. I'm just glad you're still here. And thank you Sauli, without you he wouldn't be here. You got to him in time," she smiles.

"Yeah and without me he wouldn't have done it," Sauli mumbles inaudibly looking at the floor.

"What was that hon?" Adam asks.

"Nothing, nothing."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

They took a cab to Sauli's place, since his car was at Adam's. Sauli packed clothes, and anything else he might need. Sauli decided he needed to live with Adam- he had to protect him. He owed Adam that. At the very least. When Sauli was done packing a few suitcases they went back to the cab and drove to Adam's house. The whole time since the hospital, Adam hadn't spoken a word, he kept his head down, covered by his hoodie. He even breathed quieter than usual. Adam felt more ashamed of himself than he ever had. He felt as if he'd let down the world- then again, Sauli was Adam's world- along with the Glamberts. What would they say about Adam? They would call him weak. Adam always tried so hard to be strong for them. He just didn't know how to anymore.

"Adam," Sauli said as he took his bags out of the cab. "Come on. Let's go inside."

Adam continued to keep his head down and crossed his arms- not knowing what else to do with them- as he walked inside.

"Babe, you haven't said a word since we left. Please talk to me?" Sauli looked hopefully at Adam, but he just stayed quiet and walked upstairs. Sauli sighed and sat down at the counter, putting his hands on his face. He had no idea how to help Adam. After a few minutes of thinking over the days events, he walked upstairs to check on Adam. The door to his bedroom was open about three inches. Good, Sauli thought. He was glad Adam was obeying what they said about leaving doors open.

"Adam?" Sauli said as he knocked lightly on the open door leaning against the side. He slowly pushed the door open.

Adam was laying on his bed. He was laying perfectly straight with his hands folded over his chest. Tears were falling down his face. But he was completely silent. Staring at the ceiling in the dark. 

Sauli walked over to him and sat down on the bed. Adam sat up and wiped the tears away. He put his hands on his face. 

"I'm such a screw up Sauli. What's wrong with me? I just want to be loved. I know you never can though... I'm just a mistake. You should have just left me in there," he stares at the bathroom. There was still blood on the floor.

"Adam," Sauli looks down then back at Adam. He grabs his hands then kisses the back of them. "I love you. I do. Please believe me. I don't hate you. I'm never going to ever say that lie again. No matter what. I was just hurt. I thought you didn't want me."

"I always want you, Sauli," Adam looks at Sauli's hands.

"Then let me love you. Please."

"How can you love the mess that I am?"

"I just do. I love you Adam. Let me show you."

"Kiss me," Adam puts his arms around Sauli's neck and looks him in the eyes. Sauli smiles a little then puts his lips to Adam's. Both of them push into the kiss more until Sauli is laying on the bed on his back. 

"Let's just lay here," Adam releases from the kiss and puts his head on Sauli's chest. Sauli kisses the top of Adam's head.

"Okay. You sleep. It'll be okay. I promise."

~-~-~

Sauli wakes up to find himself still with Adam. He runs his fingers through Adam's hair and kisses his head again before getting up.

"Where are you going?" Adam wakes up from the movement.

"Nowhere hon. I'm just going to clean the bathroom."

"Thanks... Sorry."

"It's okay babe."

Sauli cleans up the bathroom and finds all of Adam's blades on the floor soaked with blood. 

"Adam- and please don't lie to me- is this all of your blades?"

"No... I have more..." Adam walks over to his bureau and takes a wooden box and dumps it's contents out. There was about half a dozen blades and some various pills.

"Oh hon," Sauli says with a sad voice and a frown. "You don't need them anymore. Please let me have them," Sauli takes the contents of Adam's hand and puts it into his own. "Come here babe," Sauli ushers Adam back to the bathroom. "Here." Sauli hands Adam back the blades and pills.

"What?" Adam says confused.

"Flush them," Sauli responds.

Adam opens the toilet and squeezes his hand a little before Sauli stops him so he won't puncture his hand too. He looks at Sauli and says sorry. 

"It's okay. I just don't want you to hurt yourself more."

After looking at his hand full of his metal friends for a few seconds he finally lets go and watches them fall into the toilet. Then he flushes everything down.

"Feel better?" Sauli asks.

"A little I guess," Adam shrugs. "Where's my phone?"

"It's in the living room I think."

"Okay. I'm gonna go check twitter," Adam walks downstairs to go on twitter. He checks the trends. #GetWellAdam is trending. None of the Glamberts seem to know exactly what happened. Just that he was in the hospital. He writes a new tweet:

"Hello Glamberts. Thank you so much for all your support. I'm getting better. I love you all so much."

Within minutes there's hundreds of favorites and retweets and Glamberts saying something along the lines of:

"We love you too Adam."

"I can't believe I was going to leave all of these beautiful people behind. I'm so selfish. I could have killed them. There's people who would cut and kill themselves because of me being gone. I'm a terrible person," Adam thought to himself.

He locked his phone and gripped his head shoving his nails into his scalp. He screamed not knowing what else to do. Sauli came rushing downstairs to his side.

"Adam what's wrong?!" Sauli said worriedly. Adam didn't say anything back. He just kept screaming and crying. "Shh shh. It's okay Adam," he put his arms around Adam and moved his hands from his head and brushed his hair with his hand and kissed the top of his head again. He started crying a little- hating to see Adam in so much pain. Sauli leaned back and let Adam lay on him.

"I'm so selfish Sauli," Adam said in between cries. "But I still want to leave. I'm so terrible. I was gonna leave everyone, and I feel bad about it. But I still want to leave."

Sauli sighed a little. "I know... I know... It's okay. No one thinks less of you. It's okay that you want to leave. But you have to stay. If for anything stay for me okay? Stay for them... Your Glamily. I'm not going anywhere so please you don't go anywhere either?" 

Adam kept crying for a while longer. "I'll try," he finally said.


End file.
